People don’t tend to make new year’s resolutions anymore, but they do resolve to do something about their relationship – or lack of one. The ending or beginning of a year is commonly a time for making big decisions about love, romance, dating and intimacy, so this is true for singles and couples alike. Those not partnered already, often resolve to begin dating in the new year, whilst those in relationship may have been trying to work things out with their partners for a little or a long time but the new year gives them fresh incentive. Christmas, or the equivalent, is a stressful time for many people, especially when it highlights relationship issues that bring disappointment, loneliness, arguments and dread for another year of things staying the same – or even getting worse. The thought of yet another year alone or in a struggling relationship with all its associated misery and pain, can see couples and singles alike desperately seeking therapy.

Couples tend to come to therapy when they are already in crisis and relations between them are strained. They may have reached a point where they are both carrying around a lot of wounding from the relationship and they’re attacking and defending rather than talking to, listening and really hearing each other. Therapy can be a rock to cling to at this stage and… a surprising saviour. Therapists can offer an alternative way of being to couples that is truly revelatory. In a safe space that offers a foundation of respect, equity and compassion people can learn to be authentic, conscious and present. This is a relational way of being that is based on understanding the other, putting oneself in the other’s shoes, and having empathy to know how they really feel. When both parties of a couple arrive in therapy willingly and earnestly wanting to fix their relationship, change can occur fairly quickly.

Couples in therapy learn that their problems are less about money, sex, chores and children and more about their attachment styles, stress/trauma response, arousal style and processing speeds. When we take the focus off the content that is at the tip of the iceberg and get into the depths of who we really are underneath it all and what causes us to behave the way we do – often unconsciously and seemingly without power to change – it is as if the scales drop from our eyes and we see each other for the first time. Each half of the couple can move from a one-person system to a two-person system. ‘I’ becomes ‘we’, as each move into the ‘we-space’ that is the relationship itself.

Conscious partnership is possible for anyone and any couple – no matter what their history, individually and together. When a couple are willing to try something new – even another course of therapy when they’ve tried already – relational therapy can offer hope and light in times of darkness. Research shows that an effective outcome in therapy involves (amongst other things) a good therapeutic relationship and a hopeful therapist. I pride myself in developing the former with my clients and always carry the light of hope for committed couples willing to put in the work. I believe in what I do 100% and it is my view that it is virtually impossible not to achieve some kind of growth and change when there is collaboration, optimism, willingness and commitment.

If you’d like to chat with me about how I might support you as an individual or a couple in the area of conscious living, relating, dating or partnership, please do get in touch and let’s see what unfolds… write to hello@frayazellawolf.com . If you’d like me to help you with a relational problem that you have for free – agony aunt style – you can email me anonymously on the same address and I’ll do my best to offer a helpful response by writing about it on the Wolfblog 😉