Having conversations in relationships about how to manage expectations around holidays where gift-giving and receiving is traditional can really save massive disappointment, misunderstandings, and resentment.

Here are 3 typical scenarios:

It’s Christmas day with your beloved and they give you a seemingly thoughtless and low-price gift that they bought from the duty free on their way home from their latest trip abroad. You are hugely disappointed as you had been hinting all year about something else you really wanted. To rub salt into the wound, you learn that they spent 20 times as much on a family member’s gift. You end up feeling envy and resentment and start ruminating on how you can’t mean anything to them.

It’s Valentine’s Day and your partner states categorically that this is nothing more than a capitalist, consumerist exercise in extracting money from people and they refuse to have anything to do with it. You kind of agree with you partner but you don’t admit to that because you privately worry about the whole sexual performance side of Valentine’s but don’t know how to talk about it, so you stay quiet and sulk. You spend the evening seething, get drunk on your own and start trawling online dating sites even though you’re normally quite happy with your partner.

It’s your birthday! You excitedly open your spouse’s present to you that’s all wrapped-up in a big box tied with a bow. But wait… what’s this? An air fryer?? Okay, so you remember talking about this together as something you both might consider buying for the home but why is it arriving here today on your birthday, which “should” be all about you – as should your presents? You’re livid. You don’t say anything, but you make an excuse to not use the air fryer, which you know hurts your spouse who is keen to try it out. He was going to make something very yummy too, so you cut off your nose to spite your face, as they say.

Do any of these situations sound familiar?

If they do, that’s probably because these are all very familiar types of scenes for many couples who have not talked about expectations around gift-giving holidays and have not come to any agreement on the matter.

Would you like to know what I did this Valentine’s?

Hehe, well, I’m not going to tell you all the juicy details but here is what I did to manage expectations – on both sides.

I know my partner doesn’t really like Valentine’s Day, but I really love receiving flowers and I hadn’t been given any for a long time. I decided that I would love some gorgeous red roses for Valentine’s and that, in return, I could cook something delicious for my man. So, a few days in advance, I let him know how much I would love it if he went to my favourite florist in town to buy me some super special roses as that would make me happy. I specified no garage roses or supermarket special offers and made it clear that I wanted to feel cherished. Last year, I did what he preferred, which is to ignore the whole thing altogether, so I was very ready to ask for what I wanted this year.

My partner turned up with the most fabulous roses that I have ever seen, which delighted me. He was happy too as it was a straightforward request with no confusion and he knew that by buying the roses, satisfaction was guaranteed. I cooked him a lovely meal too and we both really enjoyed ourselves. Success!

Sometimes, romance can go better with a little forethought and planning. Sure, we can just hope that our partner will know what we want or read our minds about what it is that we truly desire, but this is more likely to bring disappointment, misunderstandings, and resentment. So why not think about managing expectations the next time a gift-giving holiday rolls around?

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