Imago Relationship Therapy is a method and theory conceived by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, authors of the self-help book for couples, Getting The Love You Want: A Guide For Couples. Originally published in 1988, this best-seller was famously endorsed by Oprah Winfrey who first exposed Imago to millions of people on her show when it came out, turning it into a New York Times bestseller. Repeated invitations to be on the Oprah show returned this book to the bestseller list eleven times, and she rated the second appearance on her show in 1989 among her top twenty shows in her twenty years on television. Alanis Morissette is also known to be a big fan of Imago, speaking about it in many public appearances and in conversation with Oprah.

Pronounced i-MAH-go, the term ‘Imago’ is Latin for the English word ‘image’ and comes from the idea of how the ‘image’ we develop in childhood, while interacting with our caretakers, influences who we choose as an intimate partner in adulthood. The authors refer to how the “unconscious image of familiar love” that children develop growing up is often seen in the connections between adult relationship frustrations and early childhood experiences.  For example, if you were abandoned as a child – or even felt abandoned, you will likely fear abandonment or be sensitive to being left by your partner or never really feel happy and comfortable unless you are with your partner. 

Similarly, if you felt criticised, smothered, neglected, etc., feelings and issues relating to your early experiences will often continue to surface in your relationships. When they do, such core issues are likely to interfere, overshadow and sabotage the relationship, causing individuals in partnerships to fear and believe that they’ve chosen the ‘wrong’ partner.  This is where Imago comes to the rescue, as its theory teaches us that we have attracted exactly the right partner who is triggering these issues for us for the particular purpose of healing and growing in relationship. This is made possible by learning about and understanding each other’s childhood wounds, which enables us to have safe, connected and conscious partnerships that bring about joyful living.

Couples can use the self-help book, Getting the Love You Want, to guide themselves to learn and understand how each other’s childhood experiences affect the present through the Imago Dialogue, which is the main therapeutic tool, and the book also outlines several other exercises to transform an intimate relationship into a lasting source of love and companionship. Couples can also enlist the help of an Imago therapist to guide them through the process and can attend one of the transformative Getting the Love You Want and Keeping Love weekend workshops.

On the Imago Relationship Therapist clinical training there is a requirement for certification to attend one of these workshops, which I did with my partner and I can testify to its transformative power. After witnessing a skilled facilitator guide partners through each of the exercises, every couple then did them themselves. In the main, this was by using the Imago Dialogue process, a time tested tool to help couples move from blame, shame and reactivity to understanding and empathy that can transform areas of conflict into opportunities for healing, growth and deep, loving connection. For me and my partner, these exercises brought profound learning and understanding of each other through both of us confronting our own core issues and having compassion for each other’s, whilst making connections between current relationship frustrations and each other’s childhood experiences. This was a deep dive and I highly recommend it for any couple willing to devote a whole weekend to intensive relationship work that pays high dividends.

For any therapist (or interested layperson) reading this, I can honestly say that the combination of the couple’s weekend workshop and the clinical training has gone deeper than any other in facilitating an understanding of, and confronting, childhood trauma. I am surprised by this and very grateful. In my experience of becoming a trauma-informed therapist, this has come about through a combination of knowledge, theories and concepts gained from doing several degrees; learning from various continued professional development trainings, and from working in a wide-range of front-line services specialising in a range of trauma-related areas including: treating addiction, supporting survivors of childhood sexual abuse and adult survivors of domestic and sexual abuse, and providing therapy and aftercare for male prisoners and their families. Additionally, I have had my own personal therapy, which I continue with as necessary, and this has largely comprised a combination of individual and group talking therapy over several decades.

I have to say, though, that I’ve never come face-to-face with childhood trauma in the way that I did on the Imago workshop and training. As a seasoned therapist, I find this quite extraordinary. To me, this lays bare the reality that, for most of us, unless we go out of our way to understand the childhood experiences that shape who we are today and how they affect our relationships, these issues can remain dormant in our unconscious for all our lives, thereby closing off the incredible potential for healing and growth that can lead to more conscious connection in relationships. I have a heavy heart thinking about how out of reach this work is for so many whilst also feeling incredibly privileged to be able to do this work myself. I am currently contemplating how to get this work to more people, especially those who can’t afford private therapy or workshop. I have a free monthly offering through Eventbrite called Couple’s Conscious Connection in which I incorporate a little Imago dialogue taster and I am working on how to have Imago be more accessible in the community as I see its potential to help so many. Do let me know if you have any comments or questions about this article either in the comment section or by contacting me personally.

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