I was recently at an ACA meeting, which stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, where one member wondered why it had taken so many years of therapy for a therapist to tell them that they were an ‘adult child’. Some people like labels and find them useful and others don’t, so most therapists would be unlikely to say that to a client, but that’s not the point. To me, what this person was reflecting on was the profound healing they had found in this 12-step recovery group and how they’d wished someone had told them about it before now.

If you don’t know about the 12-step programme and fellowship, you might have at least heard of AA or Alcoholics Anonymous and, maybe, seen 12 step meetings featured in movies where people gather in a circle or in rows and declare, “Hi, my name is ____, and I’m an alcoholic”, which is followed by sharing. AA is a spiritual, abstinence-based programme co-founded by Bill Wilson, aka Bill W, and his sponsor, Dr Bob Smith, nearly 90 years ago in 1935 in Akron, Ohio, USA.

Bill’s wife, Lois W, co-founded Al-Anon as a support group for the spouses, friends and relatives of those attending AA. These people wanted to understand more about the ‘disease of alcoholism’ and wanted to support the alcoholic and themselves in relationship with that person, whether the alcoholic was drinking or in recovery. Here, I am using the term ‘alcoholic’ as it is used in the 12-step fellowship, but want to acknowledge that this too is a label outside of this organisation and there are many preferred terms that focus on the problem rather than the person, e.g., problem-drinking.

Alateen is another 12-step organisation that was set up to support the children of alcoholic parents in the 1950s. This movement eventually led to the realisation that when such children grew up, they developed a set of problematic thoughts and behaviours that were much the same whether they were children or adults. They called themselves Adult Children of Alcoholics and, in 1978, the first meeting of ACA took place in New York. Eventually the group came to be known as Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, to encompass the wide range of family situations that led to people struggling with their adult lives due to their childhood whether the central issue was alcohol, abuse, adoption or anything else.

The main presenting issues for children in these families is the lack of parental warmth, unclear boundaries, and a lack of respectful treatment, but there could be many other concerns also. Adults who grow up in environments where it is difficult to get important emotional needs such as respect, acceptance and love – not to mention safety, security, and a sense of belonging, often feel that they are ill-equipped for life and they struggle without some support in learning how to live independently, look after themselves well and be in healthy relationships with others. Essentially, ACA teaches people how to re-parent themselves because they lacked the necessary parenting in childhood.

Re-parenting oneself is known as inner child work and is a lifesaver for many. It can be taught through therapy, workshops and books. Some classic texts are: Lucia Cappachione’s, Recovery of Your Inner Child; John Bradshaw’s, Home Coming; Penny Parks’, Rescuing the Inner Child; and Cathryn Taylor’s, The Inner Child Workbook.

ACA is a good place to start learning about inner child work and they have a great selection of literature. The meetings offer a supportive space where people coming from dysfunctional families of any kind can meet up regularly and find solace in not being alone with their experiences. This is called universality and is a major therapeutic factor of any group, which is why support groups are a lifeline for so many.

To request a free consultation or ask a question

email: hello@frayazellawolf.com